When I have as many feelings as I do at this moment, the only thing I can think to do is spew them onto a page, write them out, and hope my thoughts come out right.
Yesterday I was let go from my job. A job that I’ve had since the Summer of sophomore year in college. This was a career that I have built up for myself over the course of almost 5 years and now it was over. Gone, just like that.
It’s a mix of emotions. Sadness, excitement, a fresh start, a dead end. Nothing and everything, all at once. I can’t help but wonder why I had all these opposing feelings.
It could be that for the last half-decade, I’ve had this career, this role, this title, this company. It has been such a huge part of who I am. It was how I identified myself in this crazy big world. It gave me purpose, it made me feel important, and it made me feel like I had some place where I belonged. Finally, after all my early years of wondering who I would be or what I would become, I was lucky enough to find my place and step into a role I truly saw myself in and I NEVER wanted to leave. Why would I? Everything was perfect.
Now, imagine all of that being stripped away in a matter of a 15-minute call on a Monday morning. I was devastated, in shock, and honestly, for the first time in the span of my career I showed my true emotions and broke down crying in that professional setting because it was all just too much to handle at that moment. It was jarring to sit there and know what was happening and that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real, I wanted to scream.
Instead, I teared up and tried to be understanding. I get it- this had nothing to do with me as an employee and everything to do with what was best for the business. I had to accept that because I loved the business and I wanted to see THAT thrive. That was always my main objective as an employee and why would that change just because I’m the one on the line now?
This job has been my life’s main direction for so long and I couldn’t help but feel like my entire life was coming crashing down right in front of my eyes. It was the one harmonious thing I had in my life. It brought me new challenges, new goals, new skills, and new ideas- every damn day. I had grown more than I could’ve ever imagined in this role. How would I ever find anything else like that again?
I don’t share this post to make them out to be a villain. If anything, I’m writing this as a love letter to my past job because that’s really what this is about as I reflect back on it. I feel this pain, and I mourn this end because I loved it more than I loved most things in my life. It was the one constant I had. It was my safe place when the chaos of the world got loud around me. I always had this creative outlet to fall back on, to challenge myself, in a new way, with every single project. What am I supposed to do now that it was gone?
This company believed in me, nurtured me to grow, was patient when I failed, picked me back up when I was down, and entrusted me with its mission like it was my own. I never thought in my wildest dream that I would be released into the world and forced to start over new. In my mind, this never would’ve ended.
The team was more than a team, they were my friends, my extended family, my comedic relief, and the strongest support system in my career. I knew things would change, the dynamic would be different, and those relationships were going to morph with this next step in my journey. I wanted to refuse that thought, and convince myself everything would be the same, even though I knew it was all about to change dramatically.
The call ends. I’m given some time to collect my thoughts, but they keep falling over my head, again and again, until I wailed and sobbed and felt like I couldn’t breathe. How would I pay rent? How will I ever find a job I love this much again? Could I have done more to save myself from this fate?
After hours of being consoled by friends and family on the phone, I realized one majorly important thing. I am only 25. My whole life is ahead of me.
This career, this job, that I’ve had for so many years, it just one small part of the life that I would make for myself in the future. It was just one step in the giant ladder that I needed to climb to reach my OWN goals and dreams one day. For so long, I was so focused on building up this company, I forgot to think about myself. My own goals, my own dreams, my own future.
Life has a weird way of pushing you forward and setting you free. This moment was always going to come. It was unrealistic for me to think that I was always going to be here, at this same company, doing the same thing, for the rest of my life. That’s not how it works, it can’t work that way.
Everything has to come to an end at some point, and sure, this end came more abruptly than I would’ve liked, and it was surely unexpected but it HAD to happen eventually. And I HAD to accept that it had to happen.
After teetering between pure motivation and pure depression for the rest of the day, I realized this decision might be for the better. Would I have ever left and challenged myself to take the next step if I hadn’t been let go? Would I have ever looked at myself in the mirror and asked what I want out -really want- out of my career if this company hadn’t forced me in front of it?
I was set free. The world is a big place and it can feel impossible to find where you belong in it. I was given a second chance to re-discover who I am, and find a new part of the world where I can fit in, and it never would’ve happened before this moment. The possibilities ARE endless, not limited, and I just needed to be released into the world again to come to that realization.
Thankfully, I’m heading into this new uncharted territory with a plethora of skills that I’ve built up over the past 5 years. I was going to be okay. Anyone hiring would see my loyalty, dedication, and drive for what I do and want to hire me for who I am and what I bring to the table. There is no one else out there who exists with the skills, experience, and background I have. All I had to do is take the first step towards that ledge and jump off, trusting that my parachute would open the same way it did when I first found a job.
Now, do I still feel the deep grief that comes with mourning an end, in this case, the end of this job? Absolutely. But, with this grief and mourning comes gratefulness, excitement, and big changes too. I will carry the memories and all the lessons learned into my next career. And I’m glad I will because I know that all I’ve learned from this chapter of my life will only make me more successful as I finish writing the rest of my life’s book.
From the bottom of my heart, I know I’ll be okay. Life is cruel but it’s also beautiful. When one door closes, another one opens. Like love, life is give and take. It’s not always fair but I’m still here, and with every breath I take, and every thought I have, I can slowly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am thankful for the challenges, the growth, and the opportunities I was given and now I can see that those things won’t change, just evolve as I move into this next chapter of my life.
With all that being said, I’ll leave this off with one of my favorite quotes,
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss.
If anyone reading this blog post is hiring in the creative field, please check out my portfolio here and reach out if you're interested in hiring an innovative, dedicated woman like myself!
Comments